Every morning I wake up from one nightmare or another, it's been like this for a couple of weeks now. I can say with certainty that the cause of these nightmares all stem from my deteriorating living conditions. My nightmares are all variations of deceit, abuse, abandonment and/or loss of what I hold dear. It isn't strange that I have these and although I try to keep clinging to anything positive in my life, the longer my situation lasts, the further I sink away.
I've been struggling to get my sickness benefits paid since the beginning of April. I've been paying my rent and food from my savings, then loans and now that has reached an end too and I'm living off the remains of my emergency stock, discounted food I can afford and gifts of others. I haven't been able to pay the rent, my landlord was kind enough to accept my plea for payment later in the month. It all should somehow be reinstated again soon, but it's taking ages and time isn't my friend at this moment.
My medication keeps me from becoming very depressed, but I can feel the darkness of it, nagging at the lowest levels of my consciousness. But those too might end soon, I can no longer afford them.
I'm not only worried about my living conditions, my health is deteriorating too. My body lacks a good immune system, most likely partially due to malnutrition, partially due to all the stress of my situation. I also noticed the gradual drop in energy levels which has now reached the point that I can barely walk more than two kilometres without almost passing out from exhaustion.
My situation is not only frustrating to me, it's also frustrating for those who try to help me. Caught between international regulations and legalities, it seems I have no rights in the Netherlands as long as the administration in France doesn't give me a letter with the official ending of my sickness benefits. They can't just give that without proper reasoning and thus it seems they dug in their heels and slowed down almost anything I tried to reinstate my income. I have no money for a lawyer and besides that, how am I going to arrange a French one while being in the Netherlands? I can't drive far with my medication, I shouldn't be driving at all actually, so I limited it to the bare minimum. Once my car has no more fuel left, it might become my last roof over my head if the situation doesn't change soon.
Friday morning I got a notice that my phone is going to be cut off. I'm lucky that my internet connection comes with the apartment, so one bill less to worry about. At least I can still reach out and stay in touch through the net, as long as my landlord is so kind to let me stay. Later that day a letter arrived from my insurance, my rights have been terminated effective as of the end of July. This complicates matters even more.
Since I can't deal with these kind of setbacks any more, I dissociate rapidly afterwards. This lead to a climbing manic state over the weekend, which was about to reach its peak Sunday evening, but somehow I managed to force myself to stop. It's the first time I managed that, but that came at a price, the rest of my Sunday was shot. I don't recall what I did that evening, all I remember is that I wished for the day to end.
Yesterday morning I saw my therapist again, she was very comforting and during our session I heard from my case worker in France, he had -as is usual during the past weeks- no news. Once home I escaped again, I switched involuntarily being unable to deal with it all and RL (real life) no longer existed for that alter.
Today I got confirmation about the added complications. Hope of having my benefits reinstated disappeared like snow in the sun. I have to wait longer now that someone screwed up my rights, how much longer is unknown. Things have been rough the past week, living on discounted bread, pasta or rice made with stock and a simple cheap sauce, and if they had some, discounted veggies. All cut down to insufficient portions. Now that too is reaching an end. I still have 20 Euros, someone in therapy was so kind to give it to me last week. I'll have to spend it very wisely, even if I can manage to borrow money from someone again, it'll take days before I get it.
I'm inclined to call the crisis line, although I know they can't do anything, perhaps ending in the crisis centre and getting some 'free' proper meals might be a great solution somehow. I really wouldn't like to end up in one, but I fear I have no alternatives left. I'm cold from low energy levels, shaky from the stress and hungry from the lack of food. I'm dressed for a cold winter while it's 21°C inside. I really hope this mess will end sooner than later, it's breaking me.
