My mental disease is screwing up my life and I am starting to hate my selves for it. (In case you didn't know, dear reader, I'm suffering from dissociative identity disorder, also known as multiple personality disorder.)
Some of my alters have been plotting against others. As far as I can see, there are three groups in this situation, the Haters, the Lovers and the Indifferents. The Haters have been trying to destroy many aspects of 'my' life, and the latest victim of their self-destructive tendencies was my partner. The Haters have been doing things that have lead to an explosive argument with our/my partner. The biggest problem is that I don't know what exactly happened, I've found a few traces, but most of it has gone through phone and Skype. Now it seems we're breaking up.
I don't blame my partner for hating 'us' or at least some of 'us', it is hard to live with several people who think differently about things and have different wishes. I'm one of the Lovers, in case that wasn't clear.
I'm very hurt, miss my partner and hate the alters responsible for this mess. I know I shouldn't hate them, because I've been told -more than once- that fighting them and hating them causes only more conflicts. But I don't need more sabotage in my life.
Looking back over the past years, I think the Haters have indeed been working on a self-destruction plan. The Haters are also the ones who want to commit suicide, they have destroyed many things over the years. Relationships, friendships and also objects of sentimental value, they have been trying to make my life as impossible as they could. Now it seems they are succeeding in their plan and I don't know what to do any more. I feel I'm losing more ground every day, I hope that I have enough strength to give the Haters their own space somehow, where they are safe and don't destroy my life any further. We -the Lovers- deserve some happiness, somehow, I think. The problem is that the Haters are very strong, and we're not.
