What most people in my environment either seem to forget or just don't realize is that I've arrived here straight from the closed section of the mental hospital (I was there thanks to a (potential) violent episode). I left the hospital (and France) mid January under the impression that something was going to be arranged upon my arrival. Although I did suspect that the crisis intervention wouldn't be fast, I had the impression things would have gone a lot different than they did.
First of all, there was nothing available for my crisis. I was neither crazy enough, nor violent enough to be locked up again. So they suggested that I try to stay calm with medication, which did work, but only for a short while. Over the course of the month following my arrival, I had several talks, of which one with a psychiatrist and again I was diagnosed with DID (dissociative identity disorder). I got the advice for treatment on the 16th of February, I was going to hear something about a place soon.
That "soon" turned out to be last Tuesday, after calling and asking for an answer on a weekly basis. The big news was that I'll have to wait 6 months to be examined! And if that isn't enough, after that I probably have to wait for ONE year for a place! I also was advised to check out other options to see if the waiting list is shorter elsewhere. I did my research and so far nothing came up with a shorter waiting list, some identical, some even longer. When I asked what to do in the mean time, considering I'm not at all stable, I was told that I couldn't start anything, because they will close my case and I'm off the waiting list. I kept insisting that this is far from ideal and finally the person dealing with my case promised to look if there was a solution possible, which I will hear in two weeks time. To be complete, the last time I saw my case worker was on the 16th of February and so much has happened in between that I really NEED SOME support!
My chaos is getting worse and worse, I feel lonelier than ever, I feel abandoned by my partner (since February), I feel homeless (I'm not without a roof over my head, but nowhere is home any more) and my abilities to do things are 'flickering'. I was trying to write earlier, but it takes only one moment to lookup something and I end up lost in lots of other things. Any attempt to get back to what I was doing failed, so I had to postpone it. When I'm temporary interrupted with another language I'm even worse off, the whole context of what I was doing before is lost, unless I have evidence of what I was doing. My problematic sleep is adding to the cause of the problems, if I'm lucky I sleep 6 hours. More often it's only 4 in total. I don't sleep during the day, that would make it only worse, I tried.
Yesterday morning I was trying to watch an episode of a TV-series I like. I started watching around 8am, I watched the last 3 minutes at 12:30. I've been pausing it lots of times and went to do other things. For example, I paused it, went to make a coffee, got some thoughts about something and by the time I was back at my computer I went on with whatever I was thinking about. When that was finished I returned to the TV-series, only to watch for a few minutes. That's how my attention-span is working at the moment. I don't stay the same, I don't remember what that TV-series was about, I only know which one it was. The things I was doing in between I don't remember at all. I haven't been writing here, as far as I can tell. There were no posts, except the video and an interrupted attempt. I don't know who posted the video, it wasn't me. I'm not even sure what to think about it.
For the last few days I feel as if my world is falling apart. My memory of what has happened is more fragmented and without anything traceable I can't puzzle it back. The last remaining stable part was my (our) online presence, but that seems to break down too. I'm getting more and more depressed and start to do weird things. I'm very afraid of the things to come. I'm even more scared of how I'm going to deal with the 18 months to come. I know that once I'm in therapy, I'm likely having to go through hell and back several times. I'll be glad to have a breathing break in between. Therapies tend to be like that, you have to break down to put yourself back together. It's a bit like a broken bone that has been set wrong, after that has healed, it needs to be broken again to set it correctly. People who've experienced that also know that breaking that again for the re-set hurts a lot more... Anyway, I know that and that's not what I'm scared of, I sort of know what demons to expect. It's the emptiness before that scares me. Especially when I feel as I have been feeling for the past months. I also noticed a pattern, when I get scared I do research, to occupy my mind with something else. Unfortunately I switch too much to be able to get into it. Researching for a few minutes at a time is difficult, especially when note-taking isn't her strongest point. Which brings me to another annoying problem, I sabotage myself regularly. I try to keep bookmarks of what is interesting, but for some reason some disappear. Someone has also emptied the history of my browsers, which makes tracing back even more difficult.
So if you don't see me posting for a while, now you know why. (This post was written in 4 hours, of which most time was "doing other things" of which I don't remember much.)
