Today I had an important meeting with a psychologist, my future treatment was discussed.
The diagnose DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) was reconfirmed (which was already known thanks to the shrinks in France, except they don't "believe" DID exists, how weird is that) and he advised me on what my options are. The advise is actually simple, he proposed they transfer my file to another department (in another town) where they do have specialists who can deal with DID. So that means at least another two weeks of waiting for a new intake interview and when accepted, on the waiting list for treatment. That can vary from a few weeks to several months, depending on the exact department... Sigh.
My partner was aware of this meeting, but didn't say a word about it when we were chatting before and after. I have the impression that whatever is going on in my life doesn't seem to matter. It's not the first time this happened, forgotten anniversary, forgotten Valentine, responses in chat or on the phone that have a certain distance, and so on. I feel as if we've broken up, except I don't know it had happened.
About an hour after I had arrived home, my partner suggested to talk over the phone. Ok, no problem. Again nothing was asked about the meeting I had, the only topic that seemed interesting was online combat. I mentioned that I didn't have much to say about that and I was asked if I wanted to talk about my chaotic state of mind. I declined and we ended the call.
The "fear" of seeing this relationship falling apart is obviously not without reasons. The longer I'm away, the more obvious it gets. But unfortunately I can't take any 'sane' decisions right now, I feel like running away (from my life with a partner) "again", but if I do that, I'm just making a bigger mess of my life...
Why, oh why can't my life take some 'normal' turns? Why does everything ends up to be so damned complex?
